Road ahead

Road ahead

Life has been more stable, I am not breaking down like I was. And since we stopped communicating, I have gotten two dates, one through a friend, one online. I thought I would give the online a go, it has been a long time, and I thought if nothing else it would fun. I am one of those people that actually likes dating, I find it interesting and don’t mind the awkwardness. Both of them are worldly ladies and I am half excited, one is from Ireland, but question whether i am fully ready to move on. I still look at the ex’s facebook, debating about blocking her just to stop doing it, and still don’t know what’s she’s decided upon, just assuming she is staying in the 3rd world country. She has 1 month left til her original flight was suppose to be back and she still has all her stuff at my place.

So here I am on a steady, good healthy path, not to say that i don’t have my hurdles I have to keep jumping over. I still think about her, and I am sure I will in the future. But My hand is on the steering wheel and I am looking forward, not in the rear view mirror, the former bumps in the road, the accidents.


Moving on – part 2

So the last couple days have been amazing and I feel like they will continue. I found a way to unhandcuff me from uncertainty, and get some closure after a month plus of pain and being in my head .  As she has never really said that she has decided, but has stated her intention is that she wants to be there (in the 3rd world country). She had made no leaning in the direction of me or working with me to work on life’s opportunities together.  Before I was just trying to be comfortable with it through meditation. So I finally told her unless she chooses me and working together with me (via skype voicemail), then don’t contact me as it too painful. And you know what happened, I feel so liberated, free, and have stopped thinking about all the scenarios and have trully moved on. Not saying that I may not have my bumps in the future, but it been EXTREMELY helpful and I had a really good bump to my ego last night and opportunities are opening up!!!

Forgive you

I forgive you for:

  •  never telling me about this dream, we talked about many dreams before and this one never came up. But she told me if I knew her I would know this to be true.
  •  Getting excited about the men over there and having the desire to stray, I know how you have been influenced by your single friends (all having sex) and the environment there, morals aren’t what they are here.
  • Being stubborn, and not being able to see that men and women have differences and not willing to learn about them
  • Getting off birth control and having hormonal issues
  • Only being there for me out of guilt, and not truly being there for me when I had tough times.
  • Doing a 180 within a matter of a month, I hope to know someday what was the true catalyst

I had a hard time writing this, it has been breaking my heart, but I forgive you. You had a beautiful heart before you changed and will again, and I know that you will get back to your farm girl roots someday, it just will come too late for us.

Moving on

Walking away

It has been 1 month since we broke up, the purpose to figure out yourself if you want to stay working in a 3rd world country’s refugee camp.  You have been stringing me along saying that you are confused and haven’t made up your mind. But it has been quiet as of late, have you made up your mind? I have been researching the refugee camp she is at, looking at her facebook page, researching opportunites abroad, looking at past emails that i have sent, this needs to stop today.  Actions speak the loudest, and when asked about skyping, she said she has to see when her girlfriend is available first to skype then she will email me to let me know. The problem is it hurts her so much to skype with me and is preventing her from moving on as well. Half of me says to let her go, and the other half say fight.   I want all of her, I want to let her know I have not waned, and I have been patient but this is causing me pain. I am trying to move on, but yet I can’t stop thinking about her, meditation has not helped. I am doing everything I need to be doing, I just need to be patient with myself.


screw infidelity

Recently I posted a letter to Cheating men. I touched on some of the illusions around affairs, but mostly on what an illusion affair sex really is. I feel after posting it, that it’s unfair to specifically target men. Women cheat too. For some of the same reasons, as well as some different reasons. Thinking about that, I felt it was only right to leave a note for Cheating Women as well. Like I said in the previous letter/ post, I know that every affair and every individual is different. I’m not trying to define “every man and woman” through these posts. I’m addressing some prevalent factors that statistically are common in matters of infidelity and my thoughts regarding those. Some will be able to read it for what it is and own the truth they find in it, while others will reject my thoughts and deny any similarity to…

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A Moons Walkthrough...

Wondering what relationship stage you’re in right now? Here are the 9 relationship stages that all couples go through, no matter how the love starts.

Relationships are unique. And one experience of love is never ever the same. You may have been in several relationships in your life, and all of them may have been very different from the earlier one. But there are a few traits about every single relationship that binds all relationships along a similar path.

Relationships, just like life, have their own stages. It starts off with infatuation and goes through several stages along the way. And these stages are like tests that check your compatibility with each other. Go wrong anywhere along the way, and your relationship will take the brunt of the fall. Have you ever met a couple who seemed like they were going to stay together forever, but ended up breaking up…

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Deafening sound of silence

My mind thinks nothing but of her, I know I deserve better, but I can’t cut it off. I am handcuffed to uncertainty. How did we get here? There are so many questions I want to ask and things I want to write, but I censor myself because I feel like it would hurt her more or do damage. But the silence roles on, and I feel helpless.  If only maturity would find you and slap you across the face.

The freedom to follow one’s path

Today you have the freedom to choose, there are few limits to what you can do, be, live your life. To wallow through life as a zombie, free but not free, attached to houses, debt, and cars is a choice but it restricts. When does life flourish under freedom that is the true question?  Everyone has responsibilities if not to themselves, to people they love or care about,  you have freedom to love, but it can feel restrained. And If you love someone, can you set them free, it is not easy. My attempts, have been but an awakening of pain that runs deep.  Betrayal and Love, these words rollercoaster up and down with my thoughts. I cannot stop thinking of you and when we last touched. We both feel the pains of freedom now and I know you have not lost the love.

The wrath of freedom is upon us, we see the promise of our futures.  We are blind to what was, and what is now around us, within us, we cannot tap what was there just a few months ago. If only it were easy, a path layed before us with perfection, compromise, and love at its foundation. A path that would take us to happiness, to reach our highest dreams and aspirations, make us better people. To lose us, would be to gain regret. To lose us, would be to question what could have been.

We lost ourselves along the path we were on, and now are finding our single footings.   A noble time to re-discover and makes improvements. But there is emptiness, a cavity that cannot be filled, a blackhole that is sucking at my soul. But also the promise of what could be, why does the future have to be a cycle of fear and challenge.  It would require hard work and faith to counter the darkness, to suck the soul back out of purgatory. Hard work, we are not strangers to this cause. We share this background, it is in our roots.  Faith, we struggle with it in our world of facts and evidence. Facts and evidence can it explain the love that we have felt towards each other or the bonding of family and friends or the magic of ones touch or presence?  Faith is and always will be true to the human experience, even without religion.  One could also say hope and faith are two peas in a pod, we are two peas in a pod.  We can grow a garden of peas, but if we let them dry out and wither our soul’s stomach will go hungry.