The road has cracks

The road has cracks

Well the ex and I finally skyped for the first time since Easter. Last time she was a mess, this time she was much better. This time, I broke down. We had a very respectful conversation, I got to say it was very very tough. And she says she in not so many words she is still keeping the door open on us, but understands if I am moving on. This girl is full of F-ing uncertainty. Doesn’t know if shes’ coming back for a visit at the end of may or end of August (our anniversary). Doesn’t know if she’ll sign a 2yr contract, or what she wants to be done in December. She may come and get her stuff at the end of may, or otherwise her sister will. She loves her job there and the experience, not sure how that is possible, but I believe it. But she is taking a job away from a kenyan and doesn’t know if there are tangible results.

I am not going back to that place of uncertainty and pain and breaking down. But I love her and I am glad to know that she is happy, and finally has made a decision that she wants to stay in Kenya, which is what she had been telling me in not so many words. She’s even possibly taking a trip with my sister who also lives in Kenya to Ethiopia possibly soon. And I may be coming back to Kenya at the end of the year to finish my trip (long story- was there in January) and visit my sister. I can’t go down that path again, it is too painful. I deserve better!

Bump in the Road

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Well i got an email from the ex., saying she would love to talk to me., when I am ready. I am sure it is to let me know of her plans, and I am assuming she is wanting to stay there. I just went on a date last night, strange coincidence that my ex emails me the next day. The girl that I went on a date with, i am not that into to be honest and she invited me to an Irish dance on Sunday.  So the question is am i prepared to talk/skype with her, I have been making such good progress in moving on.  I want to know what she has decided upon and what she wants to do with her stuff, and my heart is tugging at me and going through the scenarios.  But I don’t want to be back in that place, I don’t think I deserve round 2 of the pain.  I never deserved this in the first place, yes I had my flaws, but this is mostly about what is going on with her, she was the one that wanted the breakup. She was the one that didn’t value my love. She was the one that had changed so rapidly, not me. I gave love, I gave a lot for her to help her follow her dreams, I was loyal to a fault.  I think i have to put my armor on and march in.

Moving on – part 2

So the last couple days have been amazing and I feel like they will continue. I found a way to unhandcuff me from uncertainty, and get some closure after a month plus of pain and being in my head .  As she has never really said that she has decided, but has stated her intention is that she wants to be there (in the 3rd world country). She had made no leaning in the direction of me or working with me to work on life’s opportunities together.  Before I was just trying to be comfortable with it through meditation. So I finally told her unless she chooses me and working together with me (via skype voicemail), then don’t contact me as it too painful. And you know what happened, I feel so liberated, free, and have stopped thinking about all the scenarios and have trully moved on. Not saying that I may not have my bumps in the future, but it been EXTREMELY helpful and I had a really good bump to my ego last night and opportunities are opening up!!!

Forgive you

I forgive you for:

  •  never telling me about this dream, we talked about many dreams before and this one never came up. But she told me if I knew her I would know this to be true.
  •  Getting excited about the men over there and having the desire to stray, I know how you have been influenced by your single friends (all having sex) and the environment there, morals aren’t what they are here.
  • Being stubborn, and not being able to see that men and women have differences and not willing to learn about them
  • Getting off birth control and having hormonal issues
  • Only being there for me out of guilt, and not truly being there for me when I had tough times.
  • Doing a 180 within a matter of a month, I hope to know someday what was the true catalyst

I had a hard time writing this, it has been breaking my heart, but I forgive you. You had a beautiful heart before you changed and will again, and I know that you will get back to your farm girl roots someday, it just will come too late for us.

Moving on

Walking away

It has been 1 month since we broke up, the purpose to figure out yourself if you want to stay working in a 3rd world country’s refugee camp.  You have been stringing me along saying that you are confused and haven’t made up your mind. But it has been quiet as of late, have you made up your mind? I have been researching the refugee camp she is at, looking at her facebook page, researching opportunites abroad, looking at past emails that i have sent, this needs to stop today.  Actions speak the loudest, and when asked about skyping, she said she has to see when her girlfriend is available first to skype then she will email me to let me know. The problem is it hurts her so much to skype with me and is preventing her from moving on as well. Half of me says to let her go, and the other half say fight.   I want all of her, I want to let her know I have not waned, and I have been patient but this is causing me pain. I am trying to move on, but yet I can’t stop thinking about her, meditation has not helped. I am doing everything I need to be doing, I just need to be patient with myself.

 

Deafening sound of silence

My mind thinks nothing but of her, I know I deserve better, but I can’t cut it off. I am handcuffed to uncertainty. How did we get here? There are so many questions I want to ask and things I want to write, but I censor myself because I feel like it would hurt her more or do damage. But the silence roles on, and I feel helpless.  If only maturity would find you and slap you across the face.

The freedom to follow one’s path

Today you have the freedom to choose, there are few limits to what you can do, be, live your life. To wallow through life as a zombie, free but not free, attached to houses, debt, and cars is a choice but it restricts. When does life flourish under freedom that is the true question?  Everyone has responsibilities if not to themselves, to people they love or care about,  you have freedom to love, but it can feel restrained. And If you love someone, can you set them free, it is not easy. My attempts, have been but an awakening of pain that runs deep.  Betrayal and Love, these words rollercoaster up and down with my thoughts. I cannot stop thinking of you and when we last touched. We both feel the pains of freedom now and I know you have not lost the love.

The wrath of freedom is upon us, we see the promise of our futures.  We are blind to what was, and what is now around us, within us, we cannot tap what was there just a few months ago. If only it were easy, a path layed before us with perfection, compromise, and love at its foundation. A path that would take us to happiness, to reach our highest dreams and aspirations, make us better people. To lose us, would be to gain regret. To lose us, would be to question what could have been.

We lost ourselves along the path we were on, and now are finding our single footings.   A noble time to re-discover and makes improvements. But there is emptiness, a cavity that cannot be filled, a blackhole that is sucking at my soul. But also the promise of what could be, why does the future have to be a cycle of fear and challenge.  It would require hard work and faith to counter the darkness, to suck the soul back out of purgatory. Hard work, we are not strangers to this cause. We share this background, it is in our roots.  Faith, we struggle with it in our world of facts and evidence. Facts and evidence can it explain the love that we have felt towards each other or the bonding of family and friends or the magic of ones touch or presence?  Faith is and always will be true to the human experience, even without religion.  One could also say hope and faith are two peas in a pod, we are two peas in a pod.  We can grow a garden of peas, but if we let them dry out and wither our soul’s stomach will go hungry.