Well it has been awhile since I last wrote. For the sunset has befallen summer, one that is as memorable as I have ever had. New experiences, many travels, people coming into my life at the right moments. Somehow i feel like I can do no wrong, and that something/somewhere is on my side. I feel somehow like i need to pay it forward, and harness the energy that comes with being blessed.
All of my family is here, my friends are here, a new lady friend is here. I am being here (present) in the place that I love. New ideas are flowing profusely. Perhaps it is just talk of grandeur, but I can see how the internet can move people forward to a post consumption society, past left and right wing idealogy, to be able to foster people’s dreams. A land of dreams, so let it be written, so let it be done.
As I write this I am crying, my ex graduated today, something that I knew was her dream and I made a huge move to make sure that this happened and we happened. As well I helped her sister move her stuff this weekend, of course next weekend I am moving myself and may give and additional clean slate to it all, or could backfire on me as the place I am moving into is where we planned on moving in there together.
I have been doing well, except now when I am writing this, things are flooding back, her stuff moving out this weekend, and her graduating today. It is a bump in the road, and the road ahead looks to be pretty damn good. That being said it is her birthday in a couple weeks, do I send her an online card? She is taking a trip with my little sister to Ethiopia in a few weeks and then at the end of the summer on our anniversary date, she will be back in my life for a few days, likely wanting to go the event where it all started. I am having a hard time jumping this hurdle today.
That being said, I have some prospects in the works this week, and need to cut this shit out. This summer is going to be amazing, it will in all honesty better than if me and the ex were together. We were getting too boring, comfortable, taking each other for granted while we lived together before she left. There are things that you learn from these life turning events, and I will be a better person, and the next lucky lady will be given that gift all the more for it.
Posted in break-up, Desire, Experience, freedom, Life, Love, Men, pain, People, Relationship, Women
Well the ex and I finally skyped for the first time since Easter. Last time she was a mess, this time she was much better. This time, I broke down. We had a very respectful conversation, I got to say it was very very tough. And she says she in not so many words she is still keeping the door open on us, but understands if I am moving on. This girl is full of F-ing uncertainty. Doesn’t know if shes’ coming back for a visit at the end of may or end of August (our anniversary). Doesn’t know if she’ll sign a 2yr contract, or what she wants to be done in December. She may come and get her stuff at the end of may, or otherwise her sister will. She loves her job there and the experience, not sure how that is possible, but I believe it. But she is taking a job away from a kenyan and doesn’t know if there are tangible results.
I am not going back to that place of uncertainty and pain and breaking down. But I love her and I am glad to know that she is happy, and finally has made a decision that she wants to stay in Kenya, which is what she had been telling me in not so many words. She’s even possibly taking a trip with my sister who also lives in Kenya to Ethiopia possibly soon. And I may be coming back to Kenya at the end of the year to finish my trip (long story- was there in January) and visit my sister. I can’t go down that path again, it is too painful. I deserve better!
Well i got an email from the ex., saying she would love to talk to me., when I am ready. I am sure it is to let me know of her plans, and I am assuming she is wanting to stay there. I just went on a date last night, strange coincidence that my ex emails me the next day. The girl that I went on a date with, i am not that into to be honest and she invited me to an Irish dance on Sunday. So the question is am i prepared to talk/skype with her, I have been making such good progress in moving on. I want to know what she has decided upon and what she wants to do with her stuff, and my heart is tugging at me and going through the scenarios. But I don’t want to be back in that place, I don’t think I deserve round 2 of the pain. I never deserved this in the first place, yes I had my flaws, but this is mostly about what is going on with her, she was the one that wanted the breakup. She was the one that didn’t value my love. She was the one that had changed so rapidly, not me. I gave love, I gave a lot for her to help her follow her dreams, I was loyal to a fault. I think i have to put my armor on and march in.
Posted in break-up, Experience, Fear, freedom, Life, Love, Men, pain, Relationship, Uncategorized, Women
Life has been more stable, I am not breaking down like I was. And since we stopped communicating, I have gotten two dates, one through a friend, one online. I thought I would give the online a go, it has been a long time, and I thought if nothing else it would fun. I am one of those people that actually likes dating, I find it interesting and don’t mind the awkwardness. Both of them are worldly ladies and I am half excited, one is from Ireland, but question whether i am fully ready to move on. I still look at the ex’s facebook, debating about blocking her just to stop doing it, and still don’t know what’s she’s decided upon, just assuming she is staying in the 3rd world country. She has 1 month left til her original flight was suppose to be back and she still has all her stuff at my place.
So here I am on a steady, good healthy path, not to say that i don’t have my hurdles I have to keep jumping over. I still think about her, and I am sure I will in the future. But My hand is on the steering wheel and I am looking forward, not in the rear view mirror, the former bumps in the road, the accidents.
So the last couple days have been amazing and I feel like they will continue. I found a way to unhandcuff me from uncertainty, and get some closure after a month plus of pain and being in my head . As she has never really said that she has decided, but has stated her intention is that she wants to be there (in the 3rd world country). She had made no leaning in the direction of me or working with me to work on life’s opportunities together. Before I was just trying to be comfortable with it through meditation. So I finally told her unless she chooses me and working together with me (via skype voicemail), then don’t contact me as it too painful. And you know what happened, I feel so liberated, free, and have stopped thinking about all the scenarios and have trully moved on. Not saying that I may not have my bumps in the future, but it been EXTREMELY helpful and I had a really good bump to my ego last night and opportunities are opening up!!!
Posted in Desire, Experience, Fear, freedom, Life, Love, Men, pain, People, Relationship, Women
I forgive you for:
- never telling me about this dream, we talked about many dreams before and this one never came up. But she told me if I knew her I would know this to be true.
- Getting excited about the men over there and having the desire to stray, I know how you have been influenced by your single friends (all having sex) and the environment there, morals aren’t what they are here.
- Being stubborn, and not being able to see that men and women have differences and not willing to learn about them
- Getting off birth control and having hormonal issues
- Only being there for me out of guilt, and not truly being there for me when I had tough times.
- Doing a 180 within a matter of a month, I hope to know someday what was the true catalyst
I had a hard time writing this, it has been breaking my heart, but I forgive you. You had a beautiful heart before you changed and will again, and I know that you will get back to your farm girl roots someday, it just will come too late for us.
It has been 1 month since we broke up, the purpose to figure out yourself if you want to stay working in a 3rd world country’s refugee camp. You have been stringing me along saying that you are confused and haven’t made up your mind. But it has been quiet as of late, have you made up your mind? I have been researching the refugee camp she is at, looking at her facebook page, researching opportunites abroad, looking at past emails that i have sent, this needs to stop today. Actions speak the loudest, and when asked about skyping, she said she has to see when her girlfriend is available first to skype then she will email me to let me know. The problem is it hurts her so much to skype with me and is preventing her from moving on as well. Half of me says to let her go, and the other half say fight. I want all of her, I want to let her know I have not waned, and I have been patient but this is causing me pain. I am trying to move on, but yet I can’t stop thinking about her, meditation has not helped. I am doing everything I need to be doing, I just need to be patient with myself.
I chatted online with her today and yesterday, she has been cold. I need to find a way to screw my door shut and lock her out.
Posted in Desire, Experience, Fear, freedom, Life, Love, Men, People, Relationship, Uncategorized, Women
My mind thinks nothing but of her, I know I deserve better, but I can’t cut it off. I am handcuffed to uncertainty. How did we get here? There are so many questions I want to ask and things I want to write, but I censor myself because I feel like it would hurt her more or do damage. But the silence roles on, and I feel helpless. If only maturity would find you and slap you across the face.