Love, Dreams and the possibilities

Well it has been awhile since I last wrote. For the sunset has befallen summer, one that is as memorable as I have ever had. New experiences, many travels, people coming into my life at the right moments. Somehow i feel like I can do no wrong, and that something/somewhere is on my side. I feel somehow like i need to pay it forward, and harness the energy that comes with being blessed.

All of my family is here, my friends are here, a new lady friend is here. I am being here (present) in the place that I love.  New ideas are flowing profusely. Perhaps it is just talk of grandeur, but I can see how the internet  can move people forward to a post consumption society, past left and right wing idealogy, to be able to foster people’s dreams. A land of dreams, so let it be written, so let it be done.


And so it goes..

And so it goes..

As I write this I am crying, my ex graduated today, something that I knew was her dream and I made a huge move to make sure that this happened and we happened. As well I helped her sister move her stuff this weekend, of course next weekend I am moving myself and may give and additional clean slate to it all, or could backfire on me as the place I am moving into is where we planned on moving in there together.

I have been doing well, except now when I am writing this, things are flooding back, her stuff moving out this weekend, and  her graduating today. It is a bump in the road, and the road ahead looks to be pretty damn good. That being said it is her birthday in a couple weeks, do I send her an online card? She is taking a trip with my little sister to Ethiopia in a few weeks and then at the end of the summer on our anniversary date, she will be back in my life for a few days, likely wanting to go the event where it all started. I am having a hard time jumping this hurdle today.

That being said, I have some prospects in the works this week, and need to cut this shit out. This summer is going to be amazing, it will in all honesty better than if me and the ex were together. We were getting too boring, comfortable, taking each other for granted while we lived together before she left. There are things that you learn from these life turning events, and I will be a better person, and the next lucky lady will be given that gift all the more for it.

Moving on – part 2

So the last couple days have been amazing and I feel like they will continue. I found a way to unhandcuff me from uncertainty, and get some closure after a month plus of pain and being in my head .  As she has never really said that she has decided, but has stated her intention is that she wants to be there (in the 3rd world country). She had made no leaning in the direction of me or working with me to work on life’s opportunities together.  Before I was just trying to be comfortable with it through meditation. So I finally told her unless she chooses me and working together with me (via skype voicemail), then don’t contact me as it too painful. And you know what happened, I feel so liberated, free, and have stopped thinking about all the scenarios and have trully moved on. Not saying that I may not have my bumps in the future, but it been EXTREMELY helpful and I had a really good bump to my ego last night and opportunities are opening up!!!

Forgive you

I forgive you for:

  •  never telling me about this dream, we talked about many dreams before and this one never came up. But she told me if I knew her I would know this to be true.
  •  Getting excited about the men over there and having the desire to stray, I know how you have been influenced by your single friends (all having sex) and the environment there, morals aren’t what they are here.
  • Being stubborn, and not being able to see that men and women have differences and not willing to learn about them
  • Getting off birth control and having hormonal issues
  • Only being there for me out of guilt, and not truly being there for me when I had tough times.
  • Doing a 180 within a matter of a month, I hope to know someday what was the true catalyst

I had a hard time writing this, it has been breaking my heart, but I forgive you. You had a beautiful heart before you changed and will again, and I know that you will get back to your farm girl roots someday, it just will come too late for us.

Moving on

Walking away

It has been 1 month since we broke up, the purpose to figure out yourself if you want to stay working in a 3rd world country’s refugee camp.  You have been stringing me along saying that you are confused and haven’t made up your mind. But it has been quiet as of late, have you made up your mind? I have been researching the refugee camp she is at, looking at her facebook page, researching opportunites abroad, looking at past emails that i have sent, this needs to stop today.  Actions speak the loudest, and when asked about skyping, she said she has to see when her girlfriend is available first to skype then she will email me to let me know. The problem is it hurts her so much to skype with me and is preventing her from moving on as well. Half of me says to let her go, and the other half say fight.   I want all of her, I want to let her know I have not waned, and I have been patient but this is causing me pain. I am trying to move on, but yet I can’t stop thinking about her, meditation has not helped. I am doing everything I need to be doing, I just need to be patient with myself.


Deafening sound of silence

My mind thinks nothing but of her, I know I deserve better, but I can’t cut it off. I am handcuffed to uncertainty. How did we get here? There are so many questions I want to ask and things I want to write, but I censor myself because I feel like it would hurt her more or do damage. But the silence roles on, and I feel helpless.  If only maturity would find you and slap you across the face.

The freedom to follow one’s path

Today you have the freedom to choose, there are few limits to what you can do, be, live your life. To wallow through life as a zombie, free but not free, attached to houses, debt, and cars is a choice but it restricts. When does life flourish under freedom that is the true question?  Everyone has responsibilities if not to themselves, to people they love or care about,  you have freedom to love, but it can feel restrained. And If you love someone, can you set them free, it is not easy. My attempts, have been but an awakening of pain that runs deep.  Betrayal and Love, these words rollercoaster up and down with my thoughts. I cannot stop thinking of you and when we last touched. We both feel the pains of freedom now and I know you have not lost the love.

The wrath of freedom is upon us, we see the promise of our futures.  We are blind to what was, and what is now around us, within us, we cannot tap what was there just a few months ago. If only it were easy, a path layed before us with perfection, compromise, and love at its foundation. A path that would take us to happiness, to reach our highest dreams and aspirations, make us better people. To lose us, would be to gain regret. To lose us, would be to question what could have been.

We lost ourselves along the path we were on, and now are finding our single footings.   A noble time to re-discover and makes improvements. But there is emptiness, a cavity that cannot be filled, a blackhole that is sucking at my soul. But also the promise of what could be, why does the future have to be a cycle of fear and challenge.  It would require hard work and faith to counter the darkness, to suck the soul back out of purgatory. Hard work, we are not strangers to this cause. We share this background, it is in our roots.  Faith, we struggle with it in our world of facts and evidence. Facts and evidence can it explain the love that we have felt towards each other or the bonding of family and friends or the magic of ones touch or presence?  Faith is and always will be true to the human experience, even without religion.  One could also say hope and faith are two peas in a pod, we are two peas in a pod.  We can grow a garden of peas, but if we let them dry out and wither our soul’s stomach will go hungry.